Broken Smiles Clark's POV
by anthfan
Summary: Companion piece to 'Broken Smiles' which was Lois's reaction to the death of Jonathan Kent


He sat. Staring. There wasn't much else to do. They had gone to the funeral home that morning to pick out a casket for his father. The idea was too surreal to even comprehend. The last forty-eight hours had brought him the highest highs and now, the lowest of lows. And his guilt. The guilt was almost more than he could take. The only thing keeping him from slipping on that red kryptonite ring was his mother. He knew he couldn't do that to her, not after what he had already done.

This loft had always been a safe haven. Now it was a prison, one he deserved. There was a noise from below and for a second, just a split second, he thought it was his dad. And then reality came crashing down and for a minute he didn't think he could breath. Green kryptonite had nothing on this.

And so he sat. He couldn't make himself get up and go into that house and do normal things. It didn't seem right.

His mom had broken down at the funeral home. He didn't have any more words. What could he say? He had killed her husband. He just held her, knowing that she needed him, even if that didn't make any sense to him at all. Lois had stepped up. All composure and strength, taken the paper work they needed, thanked the man and ushered him and his mom out the door and back to the farm.

His mom had headed straight for her room, too overcome to talk to anyone. He couldn't make it out of the driveway. Couldn't bring himself to walk in that door right then. So, he did what he did best and walked away, without a word to Lois, he left her standing on the porch and headed for the loft.

But he heard her. He heard her taking the incessant phone calls and thanking the neighbors who were still coming by to drop off food, more than they could ever possibly eat. She was constantly in motion. Not that this was surprising coming from her, but her pace seemed more frantic than usual.

He didn't know how much time had passed. Could have been minutes, could have been hours. He had let his mind go blank, staring senselessly at a knot in the wood across from him. He tuned his hearing once again to the house and could hear her in the kitchen, no doubt fixing something for them to eat. Footsteps on the stairs, whispered words and the sound of the door shutting. Then the sounds were closer.

He didn't acknowledge her at first when she hesitantly entered the loft. But then she sat the plate down next to him, impossible to ignore. "I'm not hungry." he said softly

She nodded, wrung her hands for a moment and then opened her mouth to jump in when he cut her off.

"Not now." the voice was rough and torn and one that he didn't recognize as his own.

He knew the chances of her heeding his request were slim but she shocked him by just nodding and turning to leave.

"I'm going out for awhile." he said. Not knowing where that came from or why, but recognizing that telling her was an act of accountability, a way to ensure to both of them that he still functioned on some basic level. His mother and now Lois. The only two reasons he hadn't bolted already.

As she passed by him his hand shot out and grabbed hers as if by its own volition. Not really knowing why, but needing the contact, needing the absolution, perhaps. He squeezed her hand once, expecting her to wrench it away, as she probably should. But she didn't. He heard her breath hitch in surprise and then he felt the gentle squeeze before she slipped it out and laid it gently on his head.

This. This was absolution he thought as his eyes fell shut and he leaned into her ever so slightly before she was gone. He listened all the way back. Until he heard the screen door slap shut and she paused two steps inside the house. Then the sound of papers shuffling and a pen scratching as she once again threw herself into the tasks that neither he nor his mother could complete.

It hit him suddenly that he didn't know who had told her about his dad. The last he had seen of her was when the ambulance had taken her from the Talon. Finding her passed out in the apartment, seconds away from being electrocuted had shaken him. Before he had found her pulse the only thing he could think was that she had been taken instead of Lana and the thought of that affected him more than he thought it should. But she had a pulse, and the paramedics had assured them that although she was unconscious, her vitals were strong and she should be ok. Chloe had followed her to the hospital after telling him that Lana was once again missing.

And the next thing he knew, there she was, in the Kent kitchen, answering the phones, preparing press releases and organizing the clean up at the Talon. She had just jumped in, no one asked her, she had just done it because it needed to be done. He had never even asked her how she was, if she was ok, or needed to be resting.

He sighed and scraped a tired hand over his face before grabbing the keys for the truck and heading down the stairs. He stood in the yard for a long minute, looking at her through the window, warm yellow light surrounding her as she sat hunched over her work. He knew he should go in there and help but right then he couldn't do it, couldn't face the reality, and writing 'Thank you for your kind words during this difficult time, signed, The Kents' was way too much reality.

At first he didn't quite know where he was headed. Into town, that much he knew, but beyond that was unknown. As he entered the main drag of Smallville, the Talon rose up almost like a beacon and before he knew it he had pulled in and was standing in front. This was the last place he had really seen his dad. Jubilant, as he celebrated his victory.

Stepping inside Clark was amazed by how good of a job Lois had managed in such a short amount of time. There was not one speck of confetti left. No streamer, no balloon and most importantly no campaign poster with his dad's smiling face on it. The shop was closed right then but he was so lost in thought he didn't notice the shaft of light that broke through the darkness, emanating from the apartment at the top of the stairs.

"Clark?" came a soft voice, hesitant

He looked up and saw the sad face of his best friend.

"Hi Chloe." he said, attempting a broken smile

"Hey." she replied as she continued her way down the stairs and then wrapped her arms around his waist, pretending not to notice that he didn't hug her back.

She stepped back a bit and looked up into his eyes, worry creasing her face. "How are you? I thought about calling or stopping by but..." she trailed off

"It's ok. I wouldn't have been very good company." he said, trying to make her feel better, even if it was hollow.

"Do you, um, do you want to come up? Lana's kind of a mess right now and..." she asked

"Lana's here?" he said quickly, not knowing if thats really what he wanted to deal with right now. He could still see her broken body lying on the asphalt from the other time and hear her rejection of him from this one. He hadn't quite processed any of that yet.

"Yeah, she wanted to rush over to the farm yesterday but I convinced her that you and your mom probably needed some time."

He nodded, letting her know that was the right choice even if it was for the wrong reason.

"I'm....I'm not sure I can see her right now."

Chloe nodded, understandingly.

"How about we go sit in the theatre then so she doesn't hear us. I was on my way down to grab a coffee, she won't be expecting me right away."

Clark followed her and they sat in the back row, side by side, for which he was grateful as then he didn't have to look at her.

"So, how have you really been? I know that look. Thats the patented Clark Kent I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, look."

"I killed him Chloe. How do you think I've been." he ground out, she was the only one who knew the whole story other than his mom and she was the only one he could let loose on.

"It was my decision to save Lana that brought this about. You can't mess with stuff like this and I did anyways and my dad had to pay the price! My mom no longer has a husband because of my selfish choice!" his eyes had started to blur with tears but he angrily swiped them away. He didn't deserve to break down. This had all been his fault.

"Hey!" Chloe said sharply as she covered his large hand with hers "You know thats not true! And you know your dad would have been the first person to tell you so! I'm sure your mom already has. Whats done is done. All you can do from now on is be the man he taught you to be. Continue his legacy. If you feel the need for atonement, than atone away by being Jonathan Kent's son!"

He let her words sink in. Allowing himself for the first time to maybe think he could move on from this.

"Thanks Chlo." he said softly

"Hey, thats my job. Talking sense into big dumb aliens." she said as she nudged his shoulder.

Something she said earlier registered with him just then.

"You said Lana was a mess. Why? Did something happen?"

She looked at him in surprise "Your dad, Clark, she's upset about your dad."

At his look of confusion she continued on to explain. "She keeps thinking about losing her own parents and how rough that was. I think your dad dying brought a lot of those emotions back up. She spent most of yesterday out at their graves."

"But Lois lost her mom and she's not acting like that." his confusion evident in his voice

"How do you know how Lois is acting? I've tried to call her but haven't been able to reach her, I figured she needed to head to Topeka to take care of stuff there, she hasn't been back here since I picked her up at the hospital."

"Topeka? Chloe, Lois has been at the farm with us, doing...everything...everything that mom and I can't do right now. I thought you knew." he said, not knowing exactly how much he was telling Lois's cousin.

Chloe looked shocked "Wow. That's...wow." she knew how much Mr. Kent had meant to Lois, but maybe she didn't actually know how much.

"How..." he began and stuttered "How did Lois find out...about...did you tell her?"

Chloe took a deep breath, not sure she wanted to tell him how Lois had found out. "Well, I was at the hospital, Lois had been checked out but she was still unconscious. The doctors were sure she would wake up soon and it was late so I slipped out to go find some coffee. Big surprise." she shot him a shy smile and shrugged before continuing "Thats when...thats when I saw you and your mom in the hallway." She pressed her lips tight together as she remembered seeing them from the doorway of Lois's room. At first she thought they were there to check on Lois, but the closer she got she saw the tears and the anguish and for a moment she thought that maybe they had received the wrong information, that Lois had been more seriously hurt than she was but then, when she was only a few feet away Clark turned and looked at her and his face was complete desperation and she knew, without being told, exactly what had happened.

She had clutched his arm, nails digging into the dark material of his suit and was barely able to squeak out the question. His only answer was 'Dad'.

"I stayed with you and your mom for a bit and then went back to her room. She had woken up. I didn't think I was going to be gone that long. When I walked in the t.v was on, breaking news about your dad, and she wasn't in her bed." Chloe stopped, unsure if she should share a potentially embarrassing moment without her cousin's permission.

"Where was she?" he asked

"She uh...she was in the bathroom, getting sick. She had ripped out her i.v. I'm not even sure she knew she had done it, there was blood dripping everywhere. I got her cleaned up and back in bed, told her what had happened." Chloe finished and looked down at her hands, not knowing what else to say.

"And the next morning she came straight to the farm and hasn't stopped since." he finished

"Against medical advice."

"What?" he asked, voice rising in surprise

"They wanted her to stick around, do some more tests, get some pictures of her brain but she wouldn't have it. Took some aspirin, signed the papers and was waiting for me at the curb. But thats Lois, not a big fan of hospitals." she said, trying to add a touch of levity to the conversation.

Clark shook his head, trying to understand why she would do that. He could understand wanting to get out of the hospital, but why go straight to the farm and work herself to the bone.

"Why? Why would she do that?" he asked, incredulous.

"I don't know. She usually runs when things get too...close. It's kind of her M.O. But, your dad meant a lot to her Clark."

"I know that. She meant a lot to him too."

Chloe was quiet for a minute and then let out a soft gasp of air that Clark would have missed if he was anyone else.

"What?"

"This....this is how she was when her mom died. She was only 9 but I swear, thats when she grew up. She turned into this mini-adult. I mean, with the General she really didn't have a choice but...I remember after the funeral. Lois stood at the door and greeted everyone, thanked them for coming. She made sure Lucy had something to eat and had something to entertain her. She's only a year older than me but I think thats when I started looking to her as my 'big' cousin. I don't know if she has ever really grieved for her mom. I know the General didn't really give her the chance. He just thrust her into this role and that was that." she sat back heavily, the weight of what she had just revealed sitting in the air around them.

She reached a hand out to him "Clark, General Sam Lane may have been her father, but I think Jonathan Kent managed to become her dad." she let her words sink in for a moment "And since my dear cousin is so good at putting forward the stiff upper lip, no one's thought to ask how she's doing."

Clark's head hung down further. More guilt. But also, an odd sense of comfort washed over him. He now had a purpose.

"Don't Clark. She's good at it. Maybe even the best. If she doesn't want you in, you're not getting in."

"Yeah." he sighed in agreement "But still, I should have..."

"What did I just say. Trust me. Ok?"

"Ok." he wiped his palms on his thighs before moving to get up "I should...I should get going."

Chloe stood up as well "Do you want to see Lana quick?"

"Uh. No. It's ok. I'll see her tomorrow at the funeral I'm sure." Clark said, confused as to why he didn't really think seeing Lana right then was a good idea.

"Ok then. Take care. I'll see you tomorrow, but if there's anything..."she trailed off, the offer sounding inadequate

"Thanks Chlo, I know I can count on you." he rewarded her with a small upturn of his mouth.

She threw her arms around him again, pressing her face into his shoulder so her tears wouldn't show. He didn't let go for a long moment and then gave her a squeeze before heading out of the Talon and back towards the farm.

The drive didn't take that long but it did give him a chance to think about everything Chloe had told him. If what she said was true about how Lois saw his dad and about checking out of the hospital too soon, he was worried about her physically and emotionally. He had a task now. He may not be able to save himself but maybe he could save her. The guilt was still there, it probably always would be, but turning his back on the man that Jonathan Kent wanted him to be would be like spitting on his grave. The only option was to continue on with as much dignity as possible.

He pulled into the gravel drive and killed the engine. Lights were still on inside and Lois's car was still there as well, so she hadn't left yet. He could see his breath when he stepped out of the cab and he was about to head into the house when a sound carried itself on the wind. He tuned in his hearing and he could hear the sound of someone breaking. Lois.

He super sped in the direction of the sound and slowed down about twenty feet from his dad's old tractor. She was sitting there, body wracking with grief and cold, collapsed across the steering wheel and wearing his dad's barn jacket. Chloe had been right.

She didn't move when he approached. He didn't want to scare her so he slowly reached out a hand and covered hers and let out a hiss. She was freezing. "Lois you're frozen." he said but got no response.

Not caring that if she were in full control of her faculties she'd probably be going at him with both fists, he picked her up and turned to head back to the house.

He felt the small shifts in her breathing and felt her body tense for a moment, but then she relaxed into his arms and pressed her face into his arm. Her sobs had subsided and by the time they made it back to the house he almost thought she was asleep.

They were on the porch and he was trying to figure out how to open the door without waking her when he heard her "No. Don't go inside yet."

"Ok" he replied and moved to the bench at the end of the porch and sat with her still in his arms.

They sat like that for a long time. Neither of them moved or said anything until finally she broke the silence in words so quiet he almost didn't catch them.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so so sorry." she said before starting to weep again.

His breath caught. "Me too." and before he could stop them a few tears of his own had leaked out. He leaned his head over hers and was amazed at this woman.

Her hand came up to brush his cheek, wiping away moisture before it rested on his jaw. Without thinking he turned his head and kissed her palm. A jolt of electricity shot through him and he heard her gasp and wondered briefly if she felt the same. He pulled her in closer, the need for physical contact too great for him to resist and her arm went around the back of his neck to return the embrace.

She was the only one who saw him for what he was, a son who had lost his father. Chloe and his mom knew the rest, they knew about the deal with Jor-el and the guilt and the what-ifs, but Lois....Lois only knew him as the son who had lost his father. And she was the only one who knew what it was like to lose Jonathan Kent, the dad. With that thought he finally let it all go. He had yet to fully allow himself to feel the loss, the guilt had been too heavy on him, but now, with Lois, he felt like he could, that he was allowed to be Clark Kent grieving for his father.

He was vaguely aware of her fingers stroking through his hair and then her soft murmurs of words that weren't important. He needed her closer, only just remembering not to hurt her, his fingers desperate around her waist pulling her in as if he could crawl inside her and hide. "Oh god, Smallville. I am so sorry." he heard her say before she wrapped her arms around his neck and clutched him to her.

Eventually he cried himself out and they sat as they were, her fingers still stroking his hair. Slowly he raised his head and met her eyes for the first time. She gave him a broken smile and brought her hands around to cup his face, smoothed his hair off his forehead and wiped traces of tears away.

"Thank you" he said, not liking how his voice sounded

"You don't have to thank me, I haven't done that much." she said, looking away

She was unbelievable he thought if she didn't know "You've done everything. You took care of mom and you took care of me and you've taken on everything else that needed to be done. You've done more than you should have."

"No I didn't..."

"Stop." he said, maybe more forcefully than he meant to "You have. No one else took it upon themselves to do what you've done. I can't thank you enough."

"I had to. It's what you do for...for family" she said, before looking down, embarrassed

He knew then that maybe she didn't know what she meant to them. What Lois entering their lives had done to the Kent's as a whole.

"Hey." he said and reached out to tip her chin back up "He loved you like a daughter. I know he did." He watched her eyes fill with tears and he knew he had done the right thing.

She tried a few times before she could get her words out "I loved him too." and then she dropped her head back down to his chest.

Not really knowing why, but knowing it felt right he pressed soft kisses into her head and smoothed the hair that had fallen in her face behind her ear. He felt her tense up for a moment but then she relaxed. A fleeting thought passed that maybe Lana wouldn't be too pleased if she could see them right then, but he found that that really didn't bother him as maybe it should. This is what he needed to be doing right then.

As his hand lay on her ear he felt how cold it was. "Come on, let's get you inside, it's getting colder." and before she could make a more he stood and headed into the house.

He made to go to the stairs, intending to put her in his bed for the night and sleep on the couch like they had done before but she stopped him. "Can we just go sit for a little bit?"

He didn't respond, just changed his direction. When they were on the couch, she slid off his lap to the side and curled up next to him, placing her head on his shoulder and resting her hand on his chest. He didn't say a word, just wrapped an arm around her waist and covered her hand with his before stretching out his legs. They sat in silence until they eventually fell asleep.

When he woke up the next morning Lois was gone but she had left a note on the couch in her place. It simply said "Make him proud, Smallville--LL"

Sounds from the kitchen let him know his mom was up and he took a fortifying breath before making the decision that he needed to be the man the his father had raised him to be.

"Hey Mom." he said from the doorway, "Can I help you with anything?"

"Hi sweetie." she responded, broken smile on her face "Lois must have left while I was out getting the eggs. Is everything ok?"

And for once in his life, he realized he wasn't stammering when confronted by a parent with a potentially embarrassing situation.

"I think it will be. Lois...Lois loved dad a lot, maybe more than we really knew." he said walking the rest of the way across the kitchen and sitting on one of the stools.

Martha nodded "Your father had a soft spot for her. I know he loved her as well. She's an amazing young woman, Clark. I shouldn't have...I shouldn't have let her do all that she's done the last couple of days but..."

"Don't Mom. She wanted to. She needed to."

Martha patted his cheek "She's strong, but even the strong ones need someone to lean on." and he got the impression that she wasn't just talking about Lois just then.

"We'll be ok, Mom. I promise. I'm not...I'm not going to let you down again."

She started to object but then decided he wouldn't hear it. "I'm going to go get ready. They're expecting us at noon."

As she crossed in front of him, Clark reached out and wrapped her in a hug "I love you, Mom."

She blinked back tears and stroked his hair "I love you too, my darling boy." she let him go and walked up the stairs without looking back.

They had chosen to forgo the church and only have a graveside service. The snow had started early and there were already several inches on the ground when it began. He could honestly say he had little recollection of what happened. His thoughts were once again, blank, the experience was too surreal. The idea that his father was in that box, the box currently being lowered into the ground....he couldn't comprehend that.

He and his mother stood apart from the others. He had seen Lois with Chloe and had wanted to go grab her and pull her up with them, she had a right to be there, but he knew that could cause other problems. He had flushed red with the thought that it wouldn't be ok, who should be so bold as to judge them but...for the sake of his mother he let it go.

The service was over and with the snow coming down even heavier as soon as people could start to leave, they did. Lana stepped up, she had been close behind until now. He didn't look at her but he felt her slip her hand into his. It was cold. She squeezed but he couldn't bring himself to squeeze back. This was the first he had seen of her since the night it had happened and on a break or not there was something wrong with that. As quick as she was there, she was gone. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Lionel go up to his mother and then she was starting to walk away as well. He was alone.

He stood there a few moments longer and then knelt down to grab a fistful of dirt before letting it drop gently on top of the coffin. He doesn't know how long he knelt there, long enough for snow to melt beneath his knee and seep through his pant leg. And then there was a hand on his shoulder and she was kneeling beside him.

She looked him in the eye and he nodded, knowing what she was asking permission to do. At his nod she grasped a handful of dirt and let it fall into the hole before them. Her hair fell down to hide her face but he heard her quiet whisper "Bye Dad".

He put a hand under her elbow and helped her up, her hand falling naturally to fit into his. They stood together, hands clasped and then he echoed her, "Bye Dad".

Martha Kent had made it to the car parked on the curb and turned back to see a sight which made her gasp. Through the swirling snow, her son and Lois stood, hands joined against the backdrop of a stone angel, it's giant wings seeming to wrap around them. And as they began to walk towards her she felt as if she were getting a glimpse into the future. And it made her smile.


End file.
